The Hidden Life

“For you died [to this world], and your [new, real] life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:3 AMP)

For the past few years, I have had this inner craving to be hidden. But this goes against my default personality. I am naturally talkative, transparent, and authentic. I have a strong desire to be understood, so I tend to overcommunicate.

This craving to be hidden is strange. At first I thought it was a symptom of depression. I have had some major trauma in my life that plunged me into deep depression. This caused me to avoid public places, social media, and even watching television. I became a recluse. I also developed an affinity for hoodies which I wore over my head to block out my view. Turtles fascinated me--the way they could pull their heads and limbs back into their protective shells.

A few weeks ago, a relative asked me why I didn’t have a profile picture on a messaging app. She suggested I use one of the many pictures she had of me. That’s when I recognized that this was more than an extension of my depression. I truly had a desire to be hidden and not attract attention. Not in a secret, sinful way, but from a reluctance to expose myself to all the yuckiness in the world.

Practicing hiddenness when you are naturally outgoing is a bit of a challenge. I have learned to pray in secret, to write under pseudonyms, and to live in anonymity. Every day, I try to find ways to be a ‘secret service agent’-- where I serve others covertly.

I must admit that I struggle with these practices. My ego asserts itself frequently, wanting to be known and affirmed. But when I slip into old habits, I remind myself that my old life is over, and my new, real life is hidden with Christ in God. Weaning myself of external validation has helped me draw closer to God. HE is the only audience that matters.